[The song may have changed, but not the theme. Two butts riding tandem and the setting sun are up to spec.]
[A strange girly man suddenly appears. His name: Kyubei Yagyu. The Yagyu Arc begins, bringing critical news!]
Rock, paper, scissors. Yay!
I have to be "It"?
One. Two.
Three. Four. Five.
Stop that. Boys shouldn't cry so much. And you call yourself a samurai?
You say the same thing grandpa says, Tae-chan.
Samurai...samurai... Do samurai have to be that strong?
I always get teased-they call me "Shrimp! Shrimp!"
I'm smaller than you, Tae-chan, and you're a girl.
A shrimp weakling like me could never become a samurai.
You'll get bigger when you grow up.
No I won't. Both father and grandfather are small; my entire clan is small.
So what if you're small? Pepper grains are tiny, but they're spicy hot, right?
Tae-chan...
According to my data, more small people become company presidents and big shots.
Where did you get that data, Tae-chan?
Father tells me to be like the balls between the legs.
[Note: This line in Japanese is "tama no koshi" which literally translate to "balls between my legs" or is a reference when a poor woman marries a rich men, thus the "Cinderella" remark.]
Don't you mean "like Cinderella"? You're mixing things up.
If you're shorter than everyone else,
then you should become a samurai with a bigger heart than everyone else, Kyu-chan.
All right, then, Otae-chan, if I become a strong samurai with a big heart,
Otae-chan...would you be...my...
the balls between my legs...
[Note: Or in this case, Kyu-chan is asking, "Will you be my wife?"]
["In Those Situations, Keep Quiet and Cook Red Rice With Beans"]
Welcome!
[Snack House Smile]
Oh my!
Hijikata-han. It's Hijikata-han!
Hijikata-han came today instead of that gorilla!
Sit over here by me, Hijikata-han.
Hijikata-san, who is your choice?
What foul wind blows you here?
Just when I thought that gorilla was now behaving himself, you show up.
There are so many daring men among the Shinsengumi.
Using taxpayers' money to play at hostess bars?
I'm not here by choice, you know.
So, does Kondo-san know?
Huh?
That you and I have this relationship?
This relationship? Which relationship do you mean?
Oh dear... It's so hard being so popular.
A superior and his subordinate fighting for the same woman-it's like an afternoon soap opera.
Hey, why're you making up stories on your own? I'm here because...
But I'm not such a cheap woman.
I'll refuse any love that's less than those on the 9 p.m. Monday night dramas...
[Note: Most 9pm Monday TV series are dramatic love stories.]
You misunderstand. I just came here to...
But you're much more the NTV-type face.
["My Beloved Mayonnaise" by TRIO THE SHAKiiiN] [Note: Spoof of Kuitan (Gluttonous Detective). TRIO THE SHAKiiiN is based on the group created from this series. ]
You're more the Saturday 9 p.m. mayo detective or sleazy type...
Who're you calling a mayo detective?
Well, never mind. But what about Kondo-san?
He's a Monday at 9 sort of face.
Doesn't he look like a "How many times proposed" type?
[Note: Spoof of 101th Propose. A 90's TV series about a guy who keeps proposing to a girl and proving his love by jumping in front of a truck.]
[Viper Trucking]
Kondo-san has the sort of face that appears on the Tuesday Suspense shows.
[Note: Tuesday Suspense theater is a 2 hour one-shot crime drama series shown on Tuesday nights.]
You don't mean to say you came here for Kondo-san's sake...
Otae-san!
Please marry the Chief...
and become our mistress!
What's going on here? Is this some sort of humble threat?
The truth is...
Kondo-san received a marriage proposal.
He's nearly thirty.
It's an offer that came from the higher-ups out of consideration for his public image.
But he's exhausted from your constant rejections,
so he's at the point where he'll go for any female.
Oh!
That girl's cute, don't you think, Toshi?
He'll probably accept this offer.
Oh, I'm glad for him.
That'll put an end to his stalking,
and he'll have a wife he loves, and everyone will be happy.
Uh...
The prospect is Bubbles-sama of the Planet Shojo. So he's marrying up.
They say husband and wife start to look alike,
but these two look like they've been married a long time. Two gorillas.
Take a good look, Miss.
There's a slight difference from Kondo-san! That one's the real thing.
Please, Miss!
At this rate, we'll have to look up to that monster and call her "Mistress" for the rest of our lives!
You're the only one who can stop the Chief!
It'll be fine. They say a hairy woman is very compassionate.
I'm sure she'll be a good wife.
She's got too much hair! Too much compassion, hair and chiseled features!
As you can see, we're begging you, Miss.
We won't insist that you marry him! Just stop him.
This many men bowing their heads to beg you for help is a true display of our sincerity!
We know you'll understand because you're a woman who understands duty and integrity-
Oh? Where's the sincerity?
This head is filled with a brain full of holes!
You guys are too persistent!
Just a minute, Otae-chan.
If I did that, he'd get the wrong idea...
and want to stalk me even more!
Hello? Kondo-san? It was no use, after all.
You have no choice but to resign yourself...
You say her refusal shows she likes you? No, I'd say "No means no."
And another thing-don't send me on errands like this again.
What the?!
Who're you?!
Ganging up on a woman? You call yourselves samurai?
What're you talking about?!
No matter how you look at it, we're the one's getting pounded!
Despite that, we're still samurai.
You mustn't lay a hand on her. She is precious to me.
What? What're you talking about, shorty?!
Hey, that's enough.
Don't make any more trouble for the club. Let's leave.
And you, kid. Come with us. You're underage.
You think it's okay to be in a place like this?
Hey, jerk. What'd you just say?
I am...
I'm no kid.
I'm Kyubei Yagyu...
Kyu...Kyu-chan.
Huh? Your sister stayed out all night?
That's right. All night... Though because of her job she always comes home late.
But today, she came home even later than usual
and didn't even look at me before changing clothes and heading out again.
Shinpachi, in such situations, keep quiet and cook red rice with beans for her.
Stop it!
My sister wouldn't do anything like that until she's married.
I'll beat the guy up.
If the guy's the man she plans to marry, then you can't be sure. She'll beat you up.
She has no such person! I won't allow it!
Stop being so obsessed with your sister, Shinpachi-kun.
You and your sister, by law, can't get married.
She's finally ready to tear off the heavy chains you wrapped around her
and take wing to the sweet world of adulthood.
Oops.
When that happens,
the younger brother has no choice but to keep quiet and become a red-rice-with-beans-making machine.
You can cry as you work as a red-rice-with-beans-making machine.
Gin-chan, when I become an adult, can I eat red rice with beans, too?
You can cry and eat buns with beans, you brat.
Well then, let's have lunch.
Bean buns again. Three straight days and three meals a day.
Dammit. Who...who the hell is he... Could it be...
Kondo-san?! Don't tell me it's that gorilla?!
Huh?
Hey Kondo, what're you doing?
Huh? I thought I heard someone call my name.
Hey, pull yourself together. Nervous?
I don't blame you. It's your first arranged introduction.
Fact is, my wife and I were an arranged marriage.
I sure was nervous.
She was a lot pettier than her photo, so I was a nervous wreck.
Truth is, you can't trust a marriage prospect's photo, Kondo.
She looks a bit like a gorilla in this photo, but she's actually a beauty with deep-set features.
Like a gorilla? She is a gorilla. A gorilla, pure and simple.
No, you're wrong. She's, you know...taking a photo makes you tense.
She's so stiff that it makes her look like a gorilla.
What do you mean she looks like a gorilla because she's stiff?
No one grows fur all over their body because they're stiff!
Make up your mind to do it, Kondo.
Frankly, this match is for political reasons.
Planet Shojo and Earth have repeatedly had diplomatic clashes.
You were chosen to help resolve this situation.
An eye for an eye, a gorilla for a gorilla!
Please do it, Kondo.
The fate of the Earth rests on your shoulders.
We reserved this fancy Japanese-style restaurant just for this purpose.
Make sure you woo the Princess.
That's what you say, but Pops, she's...a gorilla.
That's why I'm telling you not to think about the photo.
You should imagine her as being three times as beautiful as you expect.
Trust this old man.
Okay, I'm going in.
Excuse me.
See, see. A real beauty.
She's three times as big a gorilla as I imagined!
What's the matter, Tae-chan?
Nothing. I just thought I saw a gorilla.
There you go again...talking nonsense.
You're a funny person, as usual, Tae-chan.
Uh...
Princess Bubbles, what are your interests?
Uho.
Oh, that... How nice that is.
Like a...only... But if you overdo it, you'll hurt your shoulders... You won't?
This isn't good. I have no idea what she's saying.
No, that's not right...you fry it? Vegetables?
Does she understand my words?
It might be my imagination, but she looks to be in a bad mood.
Or, actually, I can't tell if she's in a good mood or a bad mood.
This isn't good! At this rate, the Earth will be destroyed.
I'm so nervous, I want to poop.
What'll I do? What can I do to excuse myself without offending her?
Maybe I'll just say, "Uho." If I add gestures, that should get it across.
Uho.
[Translation: Would you like to go for a walk in the garden?]
Hey! What? Why is she coming with me? I don't believe it! Oh no!
It really has been ages.
I heard from your grandfather that you went on a journey to train in the martial arts,
but I had no idea you had come this way... You should've told me.
No one knows that I've returned, yet.
That's because I came straight to see you first.
I missed you...
Just a minute...
Do you remember the promise we made back then?
I've kept my promise and have become strong.
Now it's your turn to keep your promise, Tae-chan.
Pri...
Princess... How did a roof tile...?
Sorry. It slipped.
Ah, two gorillas!
Oh, yes.
Most of the repairs are done, so please tell him the rain won't leak through again.
We got quite a bit.
Maybe I'll bring home some Baagen-Dash for Sis.
I'm sure I was just worried about nothing.
Sis would never return home the next morning with some total stranger.
Stop that... Just a minute...
Stop it!
Wh-What are you...
Princess Bubbles! Are you all right? Princess Bubbles!
This is bad! She's totally angry.
My butt let one go! It's completely...
Plus, we ran into the worst possible people.
Hey, what're you doing here?
Weren't popular with the girls, so now you've started going out with a gorilla?
That's going too far, Kagura.
There are things you shouldn't even joke about.
That's his younger brother or something.
I can't tell them.
I can't say I'm having a marriage meeting with a gorilla if my ass tears apart.
Oh...
Hey, don't be so harsh. This is a pet. My pet.
Pet? Seriously? You're keeping one this big?
She looked at me with doleful eyes at the pet shop, so...
Forgive me, Princess.
That you don't understand me is the one saving grace.
There, there. Have some.
Just a minute, what're you feeding her?!
The beans from a bean bun.
Beans from a bean bun?! What a terrible thing to feed the Princess!
What do you mean, "Princess"?
What?! You know, her name is Princess.
Anyway...my Princess-chan is not hungry right now.
You see? She spit it out. Please stop doing that...
Don't waste food!
Just a minute!
Really! Please stop that!
That's not right.
No matter how much you love her, you have to scold her when it's necessary.
Okay, I understand! I'll train her properly! So let her go!
This is bad. If this continues, there's no telling what they'll do to the Princess.
We were taking a walk, so we'd better get going...
Huh? What's that...?
It's a turd.
My god, no! I wore my hakama over boxers! It rolled out from the hakama.
Didn't that just roll out of your hakama?
It bounced off your foot.
Princess!
I told you not to go potty all over the place!
What am I going to do with you? You go potty everywhere.
What am I going to do with you? You've riled me into a frenzy.
No, it came from you.
Now see here, Sakata-kun. That's enough.
How old do you think I am? I'm almost thirty.
I wouldn't do anything like that.
Hey, thirty-ish, you're leaving a trail of "miso."
[Note: Miso is fermented soy bean paste that often looks like poop.]
You're mistaken.
This is, you know, biscuits I left as markers on the road so I wouldn't get lost.
You're already lost. Lost on the path of life.
Sh-Shin-chan.
Y-You've got it all wrong, Shin-chan. This is...
What are the two of you doing together? You two!
You bastard! What're you doing with my unwedded sister?!
Shin-chan!
So you're Shinpachi-kun?
Looks like you still can't let go of your sister. Isn't it about time you...
grew up?
Shin-chan.
It's time for you to leave.
If you're always like that, Tae-chan will be too worried to ever leave home.
Are you...
Kyubei-san. Kyubei Yagyu-san?
What's the idea of showing up out of the blue and telling me that?!
What do you mean by leave home?
Just that.
Perhaps you are unaware, but when we were young,
Tae-chan and I made a promise to become husband and wife.
We are engaged. From today on, she will be of the Yagyu clan.
Huh?!
Your sister became mine and no longer yours a long time ago.
What I do with her is not for you to complain about.
What're you talking about?!
A promise when you were young?! What good is a child's promise...?
Right, Sis?
Sis...
Sis! Why aren't you saying anything?!
Shin-chan, I'm sorry. I...
Sis...Why...
Sis!
Ow, ow, ow.
Hey! Do something about her! She's your pet, isn't she?!
No! She's actually a princess.
Huh? Otae-san?
Huh? What's going on? Did we drop in at a bad time?
Big Sis! What are you doing here?
Everyone...
farewell...
Hey.
Princess is coming!
Wait. Everyone apologize.
How?
Say "Uho."
Sis!
Not "Sis," say "Uho."
Oh man...
It was brand new.
Hijikata-san, is this the second fight you've lost?
I didn't lose. It's just that my sword cracked.
The boss of the Odd jobs broke it in two-you lost that one.
I didn't lose.
As long as you don't give up in your heart, it doesn't count as a loss.
That sounds just like you, Hijikata-san.
You didn't give up in your heart even after seeing
ten of your men beaten before your eyes.
I gotta love that thick skin of yours.
I can't use this anymore, so maybe I'll break it...while lopping off your head.
Hijikata-san, if he hadn't struck with the back of his sword,
he'd have killed every one of them.
I think he's a Yagyu...
The Yagyu are a prominent family that once served as martial art instructors to the Shogun's family.
Although swordsmanship has deteriorated following the arrival of the Amanto,
they say there are still many who knock on their doors to learn the art.
The successor to their clan is Kyubei Yagyu.
He's small in stature and has a face like a kid,
but he is a swordsman with frightening, lightning-fast moves.
They say he's a prodigy the likes of which the Yagyu clan has never seen before.
I thought his was simply the type of swordsmanship taught to prodigal sons at the dojo,
and that we would be superior in a real fight,
but it seems that our country swordsmanship is no match for his city swordsmanship.
Whether its swordsmanship or love... If he's her childhood betrothed,
there's no room for Kondo-san.
Sogo, don't underestimate Kondo-san.
At his marriage meeting, Kondo-san successfully wooed that princess.
I don't know the details, but it seems she took a liking to his toughness.
That man can do it if he tries.
So does that mean if everything goes according to plan,
that gorilla will become our mistress?
Shinpachi didn't come home today, either.
Taking days off without permission...
Maybe I should fire him.
Say, Gin-chan, is Big Sis ever coming back?
I heard she never came back after that.
A letter came from her saying she was training and couldn't come home.
Training to be a wife.
There're a lot of things to study before getting married.
The Yagyu clan is, after all, one of the most prestigious households around.
She's marrying into a wonderful family.
I dunno if it was a promise made as kids, but they're handling it well.
The Yagyu are even going to help out Shinpachi's family's dojo.
What more could they ask for?
Gin-chan... Mommy once told me:
You can only smile at the start of a marriage.
Sometimes you become a nasty hag.
But if you can smile again at the end, you've lived a good life.
Do you think Big Sis can die smiling?
Break time.
Big Sis is hiding something. She's forcing herself.
There's no doubt in my mind. It's a woman's intuition.
Don't be silly. You don't need intuition-it's totally obvious.
I'll turn everything to black.
Don't know what she's thinking, though.
That woman made her own choice.
Which means she'll probably smile.
...Tsk.
I saw something I shouldn't have.
Who are you people?
You want to join our school? I'm afraid we are the Yagyu, so...
We are a prestigious, traditional family, so unless you're celebrities...
Or are you here to challenge our dojo?
Better forget it. Right now, the Four Yagyu Aces are here...
Not at all.
We didn't come to do anything so dangerous as to challenge your dojo.
In-Intruders!
Why are you doing this when you know we are the Yagyu clan?!
I am Shinpachi Shimura of the Tendo Mushin Style and head of the Kodokan Dojo.
And I am his student, Isao Gorilla!
We've come to ask for a showdown with the nationally known Yagyu Style!
We have no interest in taking the Yagyu school name board. But...
We want you to return my sister!
Give back Otae-san!
Rebels!
Get them! There's only two of them! Surround them!
Wh-Who are you people?!
Sorry, there aren't just two.
Shinpachi, from today on, we're students, too.
What was your style again? The Naturally Wavy Hair Style?
Gin-san! Kagura-chan!
You guys!
[To be continued]
The next episode... "Yesterday's Enemy, After All Is Said and Done, Is Still the Enemy."
[Gintoki and friends storm the Yagyu dojo to take back Otae from Kyubei.]
[But the Four Yagyu Aces were right there waiting for them!!]